I wanted to relate something that happened while working through the Darkness Meditations from E.A. Koetting's Works of Darkness last year. The reason I'm bringing this up will be apparent soon so just indulge me....or just scroll down.
While immersing myself in this exercise I came across an entity, a shadowy figure who's face would change and distort. This entity became known as "Nox" from speaking with a another magician who had similar encounters during the meditations. I was shown and told some things from this entity that at the time I would have no way of knowing but later became apparent that the entity was both genuine and the knowledge it shared was legitimate. It wasn't until I began the Black Sun exercise found in Julius Evola's Yoga of Power and recommended by Koetting that the truth of this spirits teachings hit home.
While doing the Black Sun I was confronted with my own personal demons and issues, I saw through many fallacies and preconceived notions I had clung so dearly to. I was on the verge of a breakdown while going through this period of intense clarity coupled with just as intense disillusionment of everything I held dear. I was so disenfranchised I could barely listen to another person speak as words had lost all meaning and I was going through varying degrees of ego death.
At this low point I decided to push myself further into the darkness as I felt I had nothing to lose as everything was illusion. I made contact with Nox and was told some things about the nature of darkness and how it can imprison just as easily as it liberates one. While in a deep meditative state in a type of waking lucid dream I confronted this entity and this is just some of what he shared and is most pertinent to the topic.
"The path of darkness draws the weak but is not intended for them, they seek the darkness to hide their weakness, one needs strength to walk this path or else they will get lost in the darkness." What became clear to me from working with this spirit was that the more one tried to deny or repress something the more it was pushed outward and became their reality, the darkness was about accepting ones self, all the good and all the bad. If you could not be honest with yourself and face the things you resented and feared and lusted after, the things you secretly love or hate the darkness would push them at you harder almost a case of kill or cure.
I came to a great sense of clarity and understanding after all this was said and done and felt I had passed or overcome a great milestone in my own development. Great right? Yeah I thought so too. The tricky thing is that just because you learn a lesson and pass the tests issued doesn't mean we can just push these things to the side and move on to our next goal or phase of our personal development. We have to keep these lessons learned as a constant reminder so that we do not revert, we may be moving ahead in other areas but if we forget to apply lessons previously learned we're not only cheating ourselves but denying our own responsibility to our own development and evolution.
The point of all this? I promise I have one...I had forgot these lessons myself, I let my self revert and fall back into old habits and while I hadn't forgot just how hard those lessons learned were and how difficult the journey to understand them was I forgot to embrace them and make them a continuous part of my development.
I found myself back in a position of being reactionary to my environment and situations that I had found myself in and to a large extent had created for myself through my own denial and repression. I had become petty, weak willed and possessive and insecure. Not qualities a mage of any degree would care to list on their priority list. Getting the wake up call was a hard one indeed and no snooze button was in sight. I had to face those hard truths once again and come to grips that all of this was my fault and no one else. While I was far better equipped to handle it this time the lesson was no less painful and lacked that sense of accomplishment that I previously felt. I knew what I needed to know, I just forgot to make it a priority and use those lessons to help me along my path.
So in closing just remember that just because we walk away from an experience better armed and more knowledgeable doesn't mean that we can't forget to apply these lessons and fall back into old habits.
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